I Got The Call and It's Official...

Not only have I recently celebrated an emothional birthday (see "Happy Birthday To Me,") ...but my doctor's office called last week.  They wanted to let me know that my blood test came back and I was officially in MENAPAUSE!  Now in the back of my mind, I was expecting this phone call and I could of guessed the results, but to actually here the words out loud was surreal.  And did the 25 year old medical assistant who delivered the news to me even know the impact of her words?   There was no "hi how are you," or "why don't you sit down before I tell you this."  She just blurted out "You are in Menapause."  No congratulations, are you okay or even instructions of what to do.  So there I was, with the phone by my ear trying to think of anything to say so she wouldn't hang up just in case she had a revelation of what to say to me next.  When I asked if there was anything I should do, she said my ovaries would now shrival up, if I had hot flashes I couldn't live with call  the office and we'll see you next year for your yearly appointment. Wait, go back, my ovaries would shrival up. She said that as casually as if she was telling me the lunch specials for the day.
Now, it's not like I was planning on having any more babies (my kids would be so embarrased to hear me say that) and don't get me wrong, I am sure not complaining about never having my period again and all associated with that  (yea, I can now wear my white pants all summer long without having to replan my outfit if it turns out to be "that time of the month"),  but it seemed so final.  I just entered another one of those milestone times in life.  They sure seem to be happening a lot lately.  There is no going back.  It is another indication that I am getting older.  I now have one less thing in common with my younger female friends.  I can't sit with them and binge on chocolate talking about my cramps, moods and bloating.  I know physically that is a good thing, but emotionally it is one more thing I have to get used to. 

Now my husband on the other hand isn't fazed by this.  He still feels he has to deal with my moods, and emotional ups and downs.  How could he or any other man understand.  As I have told him, his hormones have been the same since I have known him.  We woman get periods, get pregnant, go through perimenapause and menapause.  Our bodies are constantly changing.  So for now, I will rely on my friends to get through this time and learn to enjoy the next phase of life.

I may not get my period anymore, but that is no reason to give up my chocolate indulgences.  Except now, there is no excuse for them.

Happy Birthday To Me!

So it was my birthday last week. I always remember when it is, but I do sometimes forget how old I am going to be.  I never understood when "older people" couldn't remember their age, but sometimes it really does become a blur.  I still can't believe my age begins with the number five in front of it.  But lately, even though my head thinks I can still be like the 30 somethings, my joints are begininning to tell me different!

But this birthday was  different for me.  I did remember my age.  I knew what was coming up and I think I may of even been more anxious for it then when I turned 50.  You see, my mom died at 53.  Yea, 53! When I was 23 she died of colon cancer.  What in the heck was that.  In 1985 no one even knew what that was.  Anyway, losing my mom was such an emotional time in my life, but since she was "old" to me, people die.

Fast forward 27 years and now I am turning 53 and I have a 24 year old daughter.  It is like I am looking at my life in reverse.  When I look at my daughter, I can't even imagine how really young I was to lose my mom.  And now that I am 53 I can not even imagine how really young my mom was to die.  

So for all these years, I have grown up with the mindset that you die at 53.  I didn't know anything past then.  My husband would talk about retirement, traveling, the kids getting married, being grandparents, etc., and I would listen and nod my head, but would not imagine myself as part of those plans.  I never thought about what I would do when I was older, what kind of job I would have or how I would enjoy life.  I thought it would end at 53.   

Well the day has come and gone.  I am still here and hopefully wiser about my health.  I now know I can plan all those things I wanted to look forward to, like traveling, enjoying my adult children and someday being a grandmother.  It is like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders that I can do things again since I made it to 53 and am able to think about my life ahead.

So make an appointment TODAY for a colonoscopy.  Do it by the time you are 50 or earlier if you have a family history.   It is a lifesaving test. Now go out and enjoy your future!!

A Reflection Of The Past Eight Months

I know I have said it before, but I can't believe how life has moved so quickly since my beginning days of becoming an empty nest mom.  Not that I knew what to expect, but most of my apprehension came from my inner thoughts telling me that life would be over and no one would need me any more and I would shrivel up. It sounds silly now when I say it out loud, but your mind plays funny tricks on you.  I have been surprised that I have been doing okay.  Now maybe it is because I have been able to still see my kids a lot.  And it is funny when we don't live together...I think we might get along better.   I have been able to talk everyday to them (okay, the two girls...boys don't need to talk as much).  Thank goodness for texting and face time.  I think a mom must of invented it.  This technology has made the separation process easier.  And the more I give the kids their space, the more they actually want to talk.  But things are different.  They are now adults.  We have different kind of talks. Like about work, and 401K's and saving for houses.  And now, they are even there to help me with things.  So in the end, I thought life was going to drastically change for me but it turns out, I think it has changed for all of us.  We might even be creating a new kind of relationship.  And I think I might even be excited to see how this plays out!! Stay tuned.

The New Kitchen Sink

Well it has been a few months since everyone has started their new lives.  I can't believe how fast time has gone.  And so far I haven't been on the couch sitting in the fetus position crying.  Now, don't get me wrong, I miss everyone terribly, but I am starting to realize, it will never be the same.  Even when they come home, the dynamics are different.

It does help that we see at least one child a weekend.  And I do talk to them (okay the girls) a lot (my son feels that talking for 30 seconds once or twice a week should be enough.  Glad to see things haven't changed with him)!  This is nice since we can focus our attention on them each individually.

Okay, so the biggest change in these past three months...well that has been in the sink!  Yea, the sink. No we didn't get a new one, even though it feels as if we did.   I just have not seen it for the past 24 years.  You see, it has been filled with dirty dishes at all times.  Even when the rest of the house may have had a day when it was clean (okay, maybe not a day, but a few hours) I could never get caught up on the dishes.  That dishwasher was always running trying to keep up with the demand.  In fact, in the ten years we have lived here, we are already on our third dishwasher (if I did my math correctly, that means we have bought a new dishwasher every 3 1/3 years.  Dishwashers have at least a 12 year life span according to consumer reports.

So the sink is white ceramic.  Who knew.  I have not seen the bottom in years.  But with just me and the hubby living here and working during the day, there are not a lot of dishes that accumulate in one day. With the few days that I cook and my occasional baking, the dishwasher has not been neglected...but wow, I love coming home, walking in the kitchen and seeing our "new" kitchen sink!

An Ode To The Silver Mini Van

It began 10 years ago.  We just moved to Indiana.  We finally were settled in our home and the kids had their friends and schools in order.  It was time to figure out the best car to get for our family.  We decided on a Honda mini van, knowing how safe and dependable of a car it was to transport our family.  There were no special bells and whistles to it...I didn't even like the color.  But I knew it would get the kids and all their frientds to soccer and back, take the girl scout troup camping and all the other functions we were involved in for the next few years.  It also safely got us to all our family vacations we went on.  Then, we had teenagers and as my husband did with each child, he took them to the middle school and that is where they each had their first experience behind the wheel of a car.  Each of them learned to drive in that silver Honda mini van.  And with each new driver in our house, I had to give up sole ownership of the car and share it with the current  new driver.  It had bumps and bangs and even a broken back window, but it was always reliable for us. 

Usually we would sell our cars before they have too much mileage on them, but the economy pushed our decision back for a few years more.  So, we had to get more use out of the mini van than expected.  Now it was used for taking kids to college, moving to apartments and anything else we needed.  We started with one college sticker on the bumper then another proudly displaying our kids schools.   In all those years, it never broke down and got us safely to every location we had to go to whether it was stuffed to the brim where we couldn't move or traveling by myself to work and back.  And toward the end, it actually became the youngest's car.  My husband was so generous in getting me a more sporty car now that we had older kids that I didn't need to drive a mini van anymore.
And I knew this day was coming.  The day we would have to sell the van. The mommobile, as it was fondly referred to.   It was no longer necessary.  I had a new car, the older two kids had theirs and the youngest was going to college and couldn't take a car.  We had it parked in front of the house for a few weeks, but knew it was not neccessary anymore.  It served it's purpose.  It was getting past its prime and we had to move on.  So we sold the car.  Before it was gone I was out there taking pictures like it was my first born child.  It sounds so funny, but that car had so many memories attached to it.  Now don't get me wrong, I do love my more sporty, hip car, but when I see a Honda Odyysey mini van go by on the road, It does bring a smile to my face and I go back in time just for a minute with the memories that were shared in that big silver mini van car.

From Familiar to Unfamiliar

Well, it has been a little over a week now that I have officially called myself an emptynester.  It still hasn't totally sunk in.  When I get home from work I know someone will be home, but they aren't, or when we are eating dinner someone will run downstairs to eat with us, but they don't.  Or I know in the morning, someone will be sleeping late which is why we haven't seen them yet, but it isn't.

I am still at the stage where I have to actually stop and think where everyone is and grasp my mind on it.  I know at some point it will be normal, but I am not there yet.  I guess the cat has noticed a difference in the house also.  He has been following me around everywhere, even upstairs.  That is not an easy task when you are a 15 year old cat that weighs 29 lbs (yes, that is not a typo).  So I'm not going to lie and say a few tears haven't been shed.  The problem is that between all the kids leaving and going through perimenopause, I don't know which tears are for what. 

I guess what really does help and makes this journey possible to move forward is knowing all the kids are really doing great in their new lifestyles.  Married life is really agreeing with my son and daughter-in-law.  My oldest daughter is flourishing in her new job and the the youngest is still taking some time to get used to college life, but she is really moving in the right direction.

As for me and my husband, we will make it.  The house is a little more quiet now.  I have been able to begin catching up on things I have wanted to do for the past 24 years and guess I can watch all the food shows I want since we don't have to have i carley on.

So for now, the familiar that I once knew has become the unfamiliar to me.  I know eventually this will become the norm and once again soon, what I now know of life will be familiar.  But for now, I wouldn't mind the TV on loud with Spongebob, dishes in the sink, other kids eating our food and multiple shoes and back packs on the floor so I can trip just once more. 

The Last Good Night Hug

This is the night before my youngest leaves for college.  I think I have been doing really well in handling everything.  I haven't cried as much as I thought I would, I have kept really busy, and my daughter has done a great job of being organized and getting everything ready so I haven't had to watch all her belongings being packed away in boxes and suitcases.  Her friends were spending the night and so it was really busy after work since I wanted to make grilled pizza with homemade crust and homemade peanut butter cookies.  I thought it was to make a really nice dinner.  As I have come to learn tonight being honest with myself, it was to keep myself very busy and act as if it was any other Tuesday night (okay, I usually don't make homemade pizza crust on Tuesday nights).  Face it, I have been in denial.  The reality was, in less than 12 hours she was leaving for college.  So what I thought was just a regular night after work making dinner and cleaning up was just a way to not think about tommorrow.  I think her friends spending the night was not only for my daughter, but for me.  It is a reminder of normal as I have known it for all these years, laughter, kids and food.  But then it happened, and I don't think either of us expected it.  It was really pretty innocent.  I just told my daughter I wanted to give her a hug before bed in case I don't see her since she and the girls were watching a movie.  So I gave her what I thought was a simple hug and then I lost it. Yes, and then she lost it...which made me lose it even more.  I felt guilty for a minute for making her cry. But I don't think I made her cry.   I think she might of been having the same feelings I have had and also trying to disguise them.  I think we were both trying to be strong for the other and our our real emotions finally came out.  I told her I was really happy for her and excited for the journey she was about to embark on.  But it was going to be different now.  I won't get that hug before bed again.  From now on our good nights will be through text,  an e-mail or if I figure it out...skype.  I know it will get easier and we will all get used to our "new" life, but now my heart is sad.  I will forever remember my last good night hug!

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray!  You'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away!  XOXO