Women Make the Best of Friends!

In dealing with my upcoming empty nest situation, I thought I would send an e-mail to some of my girlfriends letting them know about my blog to see if anyone was going through what I was.  I can't believe the e-mails I received back with not only advise (travel was the number one suggestion to overcome the sadness of being an empty nester) but stories of what they were also going through.   What I found intersting was that no matter what part of the country they were from (I am lucky to keep in touch with friends in many places since we moved a lot in the past 20 years) their different backgrounds and whether they had one child or 4, most of us were going through the same thing.  Why don't women talk about this more?  We still are so busy taking care of everything else.  We can talk about kids, our jobs, what diet we are on and sometimes even divulge personal information about our husbands, sex and money.  But why haven't we kept in touch with each other more about what is really going on in our lives. Now more than ever, we women need to be there for each other whether it be our friend, neigbor, co-worker, sister or acquaintance and help each other through this very common (as I am finding out) and inevitable time of our life.

In one of my other blogs I was also reflecting on no only becoming an empty nester, but  thinking about the kind of mother I was.  Realizing I was a helicopter mom (okay I admitted it) did I make the right choices in the best interest of my kids, where could I of changed, was I too tough, or not tough enough.  I am always searching the intenet for other women's stories, inspirational quotes or advise they might have on motherhood.  Little did I know, the best advise I got was right in my own back yard...a good friend of mine for more years than I can count (we are way in the double digits) sent me a beatuiful and eloquently written piece of advise that I thought (with her permission) would be an inspiration to others

"As parents, our dreams for our children are that they grow into caring, competent adults.  And you have shown that even "helicopter mom's" can do this.

You have given your children what they have needed, which may not have always been what they have wanted.  The mother that they needed as a toddler was different from the mother that they needed as a teenager. Now the job description changes again as you are now the mother of adults.

The helicopter mom that you were has helped your children to grow into fearless adults. The hovering has helped guide them away from becoming foolish adults.

Your children are fearless enough to give their love to significant others, even when there is a chance that they could get hurt.  They are fearless enough to travel halfway across the country, even though that means leaving their support system (you) behind.  They are fearless enough to go off to school, when they could easily have enjoyed the comforts of home while pursuing their education.

Your job is not over. It is again changing.  Congratulations, your children are fearless."

Thank you Linda -

Trying to Land the Helicopter

It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.  -Ann Landers

We had a terrible ice storm here.  There is still about a 6 inch layer of ice covering the street, sidewalks and grass.  There is no way to safely walk, so I picked up my youngest daughter (okay she is 17) from the bus stop since I didn't think she could walk home by herself with how slippery it was (okay, I knew she could, I was just worried).

Some people might of mentioned in the past 23 years or so that I am what you call a helicpoter mom.  I hover over my children making every decision for them and watching every move so they don't get hurt or make a mistake.  I didnt listen to anything thoses people said.  I was being a good mom.  I mean, I rescued them from situations when they needed it, I made a lot of their decisions for them so they wouldn't do the wrong thing and I helped them with their homework so they would do good...but in my defense, it was was only when they asked for help.

It finally hit me a few years ago that those questioning my helicopter way of parenting, including my husband, might of been right (again, my husband would love to know I think he might of been right).  I have been trying to step back and let them become the independant adults that I had tried to raise.  So maybe I didn't have to cut the crust off of their sandwiches or blow on their hot chocolate so they wouldn't burn their tongue.

Looking back I know I kept them underfoot for me.  The more I did for them, then the more I would be needed.  Now I know that really was selfish on my part.  I know that was not the best way to do things, but everything I did do was with the best intention.  I wanted them always to be happy and not have any problems or wrong decisions in their life.  I thought if I didn't let them out of my site, I could always protect them and they would always be safe. 

I know now, no matter how hard I try everything can't be perfect for them.  They need to make mistakes to learn from them.  And they need to have choices to make and sort it out for themselves.  I now know that is what will make them stronger and confident in themselves.  Thank goodness they had their dad in their life to balance the smothering way that I was

Sometimes I wish I could go back, as I am sure many moms do, and try and correct my mistakes I made with my kids.  But no matter what decisions I made, I made it with the best intentions and always with love.  And thank goodness they were strong enough as they got older to speak for themselves and stand up on their own two feet.

As two of them have become adults and the last almost there, I can see how they turned out.  Maybe I didn't do that bad.  And I have tried very hard to let go now so they can make their own choices and decisions. 

So as we know, we are always trying to improve on our mistakes we have made along the way.  I probably will always be a helicopter mom, but I will do it with the helicopter on the ground looking on and not hovering over.

I still will cut the crusts off their sandwiches though!

Getting Off Topic

Life isn't a destination-it's a journey.  We all come upon unexpected curves and turning points, mountaintops and valleys.  Everything that happens to us shapes who we are becoming.  And in the adventure of each day, we discover the best in ourselves.  -Anonymous

When I began this blog, I thought I would be writing about my kids and my husband.  I was going to write about the upcoming next few months and my concerns for the uncertainty of becoming an empty nest mom.

But somehow I got off topic.  As I started writing, I saw this journey going in another direction.  I was not just thinking of the road that lies ahead for me when all my kids are gone from the nest, but where I have come from to get to this place.  Chronicling my thoughts on becoming an empty nester has now began a personal journey on the life I have had leading up to this.

I have always believed things happen for a reason.  Sometimes you know the reason right away and sometimes it takes years to have your "ah ha" moment.  I am still sorting a lot of things out in my life, still asking why for some events and why not for others.

Probably the single most important event in my life that affected the person I am today is the day my mom died.  It changed me forever and I know I am a different person for it.  I thought life was so unfair that she was taken away from me when I was so young.  I can only hope that by going through that day 26 years ago, it is one of the things that really made me the mom I am today.  I knew not to take anything for granted in life and with my kids.  I enjoyed every stage of their life and never wished time to move quickly...whether is was the terrible two's or the teenage years.   I didn't want to miss any of it.

And the relationship with my kids, especially with my girls, was so important to me because of what I knew I lost.  For every rolling of the eyes I got from my kids, or every disagreement we had, I think they still knew how much they were loved.

That will never change.  No matter how far away they may live or whoever they will be with, they will always be loved in my heart forever!

Do Dads Get Empty Nest Syndrome Too?

Empty Nest
noun
The stage in a family's cycle when the children have grown up and left home to begin their own adult lives.               
 -The American Heritage® New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy

I can't speak for all relationships, but I do think moms and dads both go through this empty nest thing.
I didn't think so at first.  I mean, for years, I was the one worried about the day all the kids would be gone.  What will I do, how will I handle things, How will I react, etc.  My husband, on the other hand, talked about all our plans on traveling to Europe, Africa, longs weekends away, and the money he will save not paying for college, food and clothes.  He also thought about all his free time he will have to do the things he always wanted to, reading more, naps in the afternoon, etc..
I have had many discussions with him about becoming an empty nester and how it is so much harder for me and all of the fears I have about it.  Now don't get me wrong, he loves his kids and has been a great dad, but feels this is now our new life to enjoy together.  Deep down I know he is right (boy would he love to know I admitted he was right with something).  But I went through the physical pain of having the kids.  I was always with them when they were home and I reminded him that when the kids leave,  my job will be over.  I will have to repurpse my life.  When they all leave on Sunday, he will still go back to work on Monday, just as he always has.

And women's emotions are one giant up and down roller coaster. I have been pregnant three times, have had so many periods I can't count, lost weight, gained weight (also more times than I can count) and worried about everyone.  I have cried at every good thing, bad thing and anything in between.  I can't even watch a McDonald's commercial without a tear in my eye.  My kids look at me like I am crazy...My husband looks at me like I am crazy and can't believe this isn't even the worst of it (I'm not in menopause yet).  I blame it on my hormones.  I also explained to my husband that his emotions have been pretty level throughout life.  He might of gained weight and lost weight, worried about some things, but his emotions were always a pretty straight line.  And anyway, men don't show their emotions, and they don't sit around with a beer talking about their "feelings."  His life was pretty set with his job and family planned out.  I have no plans!

With the realization that time is drawing closer to the kids being gone, he's been acting different.  He made plans with our daughter to go away for the weekend alone to spend time with her before she leaves.  He calls them more on his own.  And something unexpected and surprising happend when our son (the first to leave) moved 3 hours away to start a job after college.  We were excited for him, he had a great new job and place to live.  It was hard, but we hugged him tight and left.  I did not even cry on the way home (maybe because I had no tears left).  When we got home, I looked over and my husband had a tear in his eye.  I had never seen anything remotely close to a tear from him in our 29 years of marriage.  I asked him what was going on and he was actually doing a "man cry" (not a sob like a woman).  He said he was going to miss our son and it hit him that he was really gone.  He looked in his bedroom and realized he was the first of three to leave for good.  Now I had to give him the pep talk he had given me so many times when I was sad.  I had to be the strong one now.

I do think dads go through the empty nest thing too.  As is the difference with men and women on everything, we just show our emotions in different ways.  So things are back to normal around here again for the moment, me still counting down the days until I am an empty nester and worrying and him counting down the days on that trip to Europe!

Turning 50: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Not only will I be an empty nester soon with all the emotions that have gone along with that, but I also had to turn 50 (okay it is better than the alternative) at the same time!  That alone came with its own set of fears and questions about my life.  I joined the club about a year ago (okay 1 1/2 years ago now, but who is counting).  I never understood why people would hide their age.  Age never bothered me.  I thought I looked younger than my age.  I mean I had long hair that I styled myself.  People who are older don't have long hair.  I had young kids still living at home and older people don't have kids in elementary school.  And there seemed to be a lot of people always older than me.

Soon I started to notice little things that should of been clues that I might not be as young as I think. Years ago, my youngest daughter asked me why I was "such an older Mommy" than all of her friend's moms.  Some were in fact almost 10 years younger than me.  Okay, that made sense, she was my third and a lot of her friends were first born.  I had to start coloring my hair, but not because it was really gray...I just didn't want it so dark.  Okay, that made sense, I wanted to update my look.   A good friend of mine turned 50.  Okay, well a lot of people have older friends.  The son of one of my friends got married...well she was married really young, and he seemed young to get married.  Another of my friends became a grandmother.  Okay, wait a minute.   I started thinking...these are all the things that happen to your parent's friends.  Not mine.  Wait these were my friends it was happening to.   That must mean I am old enough for those things to happen to me.  I didn't think things would affect me since I was going to grow old gracefully. 

I guess it started to sink in for me that I might not be as young as I think.  I work with a lot of young people ranging in age from 25-50 (the only thing is the 50 somethings are men and they seem to not have their age bother them as much as women).  We were all talking and as some discussion go, some people were swearing.  They looked at me, stopped and said they couldn't swear in front of me because it was like doing that in front of their own mom.  What!  I thought we were all on the same level.  I thought they could relate to me as a co worker, as I did with them.   But they were right.  I could of been all of their moms.  They knew that.  I just couldn't admit to it.

Then my husband approached me to make a party for me.  "For What,"  I thought.  It is only my birthday.  No it is your 50th birthday he reminded me.  I could not even admit to that.  I couldn't even say the word 50!  I could not get it to come out of my mouth.  It just seemed old.  When I saw other people that were 50 I couldn't imagine that is what I was like.  But time was marching on.  I know that they say 30 is the new 20 and 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 40...but my body didn't know that.  Things ache now.  My joints need a little extra time in the morning getting out of bed.  I can't eat that snack late at night without it keeping me up all night.  And I have finally admitted that I color my hair because of the gray and not to get a lighter shade of brown. 

So again, it made me ponder over my life, what I have done, what have I accomplished, and what will I do in this role as over 50 empty nester.  Now my husband has broken our life into thirds.  His theory is the first third of life we are young and only have to think of ourselves.  The second third we are now married with children and everything revolves around them.  In this third part of life we can now start thinking of ourselves again and what we want to do, but that then brings me back to the question I began with in the first blog...What will I do with my life now?  And calling this my last third of life seems so final.   

I guess with everything said, there is some good that comes with this part of my life.  I will be able to think of myself soon and do what I have always wanted.  I will be able to do more with my husband.  I do think I have had some experiences in life that can not help me be a teacher to others.

And I hope now I will have time to get to know myself again and really enjoy that last third of life.

Last One Born/Last One to Leave

"There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes." - Art Buchwald

Wow! This is hard.  I can't believe my youngest child...which I still refer to as my baby, will be leaving home soon.  All I did was blink and she grew up. Eighteen years have gone by quicker than I could imagine.  On the surface it doesn't seem that bad.  I mean she is going to college only an hour away.  But with this milestone I carry the most emotions.  This is the last one to leave.  It is also the day I will officially be an empty nester. 

The funny thing is, this reminds me a little of how I felt when she was going to kindergarten.  I remember thinking that I can't believe my baby is going to kindergarten.  How quickly the time went by and most importantly, that she will now see the world and realize there is more than just her mom and dad and the safe and protected environment we tried to create for her (and all our children).  I knew she would meet lots of friends, learn to read and start becoming independent.  That is exactly how I feel about her going to college...she will meet lots of friends, learn new things, and start becoming really independent, only this time she will be far away and living on her own.  She will again learn that there is more than mom and dad that influences her life and that she is now responsible for her own decision.  She will not be in our safe and protected environment anymore.  She will now want to explore the world out there and I won't be able to protect her as I have tried for the past 18 years (okay some people may have called it smothering)  I know you only have your kids for a short while in life to teach them how to become independent and the values and morals you believe in...but are you ever ready?  I mean really ready to let go.  Since time does not stand still, I do not have a choice but to let it happen.  Good or bad, I just know life will be different.  I'll mostly miss our afternoon snacks and talks.  When it was just her and me.  With the energy and excitement she brought home to tell me all about her day.  She might of had her "teenage moods,"  but for some reason from 3:45-4:00 that was such a time of peace and reconnecting between us, that was OUR time.  I will so miss that.  It will now have to be over the phone, or for that matter, a text, if at all.  The only positive that can come out of this is not having the afternoon snack together anymore.  Maybe then I can lose a few pounds, and that would be a good thing.

And most importantly, I know I have to be strong for her too.  I don't want her to have any doubts about her independence or have her think I don't trust her strength and capabilities of moving forward in her life.   I know she will do fine.  She is a lovable person with a warm and caring heart.  She will find she is stronger then she thinks.

Now me on the other hand, I hope my strength comes through in figuring out what comes next.  I guess this will be like my first day of kindergarten!