Not only will I be an empty nester soon with all the emotions that have gone along with that, but I also had to turn 50 (okay it is better than the alternative) at the same time! That alone came with its own set of fears and questions about my life. I joined the club about a year ago (okay 1 1/2 years ago now, but who is counting). I never understood why people would hide their age. Age never bothered me. I thought I looked younger than my age. I mean I had long hair that I styled myself. People who are older don't have long hair. I had young kids still living at home and older people don't have kids in elementary school. And there seemed to be a lot of people always older than me.
Soon I started to notice little things that should of been clues that I might not be as young as I think. Years ago, my youngest daughter asked me why I was "such an older Mommy" than all of her friend's moms. Some were in fact almost 10 years younger than me. Okay, that made sense, she was my third and a lot of her friends were first born. I had to start coloring my hair, but not because it was really gray...I just didn't want it so dark. Okay, that made sense, I wanted to update my look. A good friend of mine turned 50. Okay, well a lot of people have older friends. The son of one of my friends got married...well she was married really young, and he seemed young to get married. Another of my friends became a grandmother. Okay, wait a minute. I started thinking...these are all the things that happen to your parent's friends. Not mine. Wait these were my friends it was happening to. That must mean I am old enough for those things to happen to me. I didn't think things would affect me since I was going to grow old gracefully.
I guess it started to sink in for me that I might not be as young as I think. I work with a lot of young people ranging in age from 25-50 (the only thing is the 50 somethings are men and they seem to not have their age bother them as much as women). We were all talking and as some discussion go, some people were swearing. They looked at me, stopped and said they couldn't swear in front of me because it was like doing that in front of their own mom. What! I thought we were all on the same level. I thought they could relate to me as a co worker, as I did with them. But they were right. I could of been all of their moms. They knew that. I just couldn't admit to it.
Then my husband approached me to make a party for me. "For What," I thought. It is only my birthday. No it is your 50th birthday he reminded me. I could not even admit to that. I couldn't even say the word 50! I could not get it to come out of my mouth. It just seemed old. When I saw other people that were 50 I couldn't imagine that is what I was like. But time was marching on. I know that they say 30 is the new 20 and 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 40...but my body didn't know that. Things ache now. My joints need a little extra time in the morning getting out of bed. I can't eat that snack late at night without it keeping me up all night. And I have finally admitted that I color my hair because of the gray and not to get a lighter shade of brown.
So again, it made me ponder over my life, what I have done, what have I accomplished, and what will I do in this role as over 50 empty nester. Now my husband has broken our life into thirds. His theory is the first third of life we are young and only have to think of ourselves. The second third we are now married with children and everything revolves around them. In this third part of life we can now start thinking of ourselves again and what we want to do, but that then brings me back to the question I began with in the first blog...What will I do with my life now? And calling this my last third of life seems so final.
I guess with everything said, there is some good that comes with this part of my life. I will be able to think of myself soon and do what I have always wanted. I will be able to do more with my husband. I do think I have had some experiences in life that can not help me be a teacher to others.
And I hope now I will have time to get to know myself again and really enjoy that last third of life.
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