A Reflection Of The Past Eight Months

I know I have said it before, but I can't believe how life has moved so quickly since my beginning days of becoming an empty nest mom.  Not that I knew what to expect, but most of my apprehension came from my inner thoughts telling me that life would be over and no one would need me any more and I would shrivel up. It sounds silly now when I say it out loud, but your mind plays funny tricks on you.  I have been surprised that I have been doing okay.  Now maybe it is because I have been able to still see my kids a lot.  And it is funny when we don't live together...I think we might get along better.   I have been able to talk everyday to them (okay, the two girls...boys don't need to talk as much).  Thank goodness for texting and face time.  I think a mom must of invented it.  This technology has made the separation process easier.  And the more I give the kids their space, the more they actually want to talk.  But things are different.  They are now adults.  We have different kind of talks. Like about work, and 401K's and saving for houses.  And now, they are even there to help me with things.  So in the end, I thought life was going to drastically change for me but it turns out, I think it has changed for all of us.  We might even be creating a new kind of relationship.  And I think I might even be excited to see how this plays out!! Stay tuned.

The New Kitchen Sink

Well it has been a few months since everyone has started their new lives.  I can't believe how fast time has gone.  And so far I haven't been on the couch sitting in the fetus position crying.  Now, don't get me wrong, I miss everyone terribly, but I am starting to realize, it will never be the same.  Even when they come home, the dynamics are different.

It does help that we see at least one child a weekend.  And I do talk to them (okay the girls) a lot (my son feels that talking for 30 seconds once or twice a week should be enough.  Glad to see things haven't changed with him)!  This is nice since we can focus our attention on them each individually.

Okay, so the biggest change in these past three months...well that has been in the sink!  Yea, the sink. No we didn't get a new one, even though it feels as if we did.   I just have not seen it for the past 24 years.  You see, it has been filled with dirty dishes at all times.  Even when the rest of the house may have had a day when it was clean (okay, maybe not a day, but a few hours) I could never get caught up on the dishes.  That dishwasher was always running trying to keep up with the demand.  In fact, in the ten years we have lived here, we are already on our third dishwasher (if I did my math correctly, that means we have bought a new dishwasher every 3 1/3 years.  Dishwashers have at least a 12 year life span according to consumer reports.

So the sink is white ceramic.  Who knew.  I have not seen the bottom in years.  But with just me and the hubby living here and working during the day, there are not a lot of dishes that accumulate in one day. With the few days that I cook and my occasional baking, the dishwasher has not been neglected...but wow, I love coming home, walking in the kitchen and seeing our "new" kitchen sink!

An Ode To The Silver Mini Van

It began 10 years ago.  We just moved to Indiana.  We finally were settled in our home and the kids had their friends and schools in order.  It was time to figure out the best car to get for our family.  We decided on a Honda mini van, knowing how safe and dependable of a car it was to transport our family.  There were no special bells and whistles to it...I didn't even like the color.  But I knew it would get the kids and all their frientds to soccer and back, take the girl scout troup camping and all the other functions we were involved in for the next few years.  It also safely got us to all our family vacations we went on.  Then, we had teenagers and as my husband did with each child, he took them to the middle school and that is where they each had their first experience behind the wheel of a car.  Each of them learned to drive in that silver Honda mini van.  And with each new driver in our house, I had to give up sole ownership of the car and share it with the current  new driver.  It had bumps and bangs and even a broken back window, but it was always reliable for us. 

Usually we would sell our cars before they have too much mileage on them, but the economy pushed our decision back for a few years more.  So, we had to get more use out of the mini van than expected.  Now it was used for taking kids to college, moving to apartments and anything else we needed.  We started with one college sticker on the bumper then another proudly displaying our kids schools.   In all those years, it never broke down and got us safely to every location we had to go to whether it was stuffed to the brim where we couldn't move or traveling by myself to work and back.  And toward the end, it actually became the youngest's car.  My husband was so generous in getting me a more sporty car now that we had older kids that I didn't need to drive a mini van anymore.
And I knew this day was coming.  The day we would have to sell the van. The mommobile, as it was fondly referred to.   It was no longer necessary.  I had a new car, the older two kids had theirs and the youngest was going to college and couldn't take a car.  We had it parked in front of the house for a few weeks, but knew it was not neccessary anymore.  It served it's purpose.  It was getting past its prime and we had to move on.  So we sold the car.  Before it was gone I was out there taking pictures like it was my first born child.  It sounds so funny, but that car had so many memories attached to it.  Now don't get me wrong, I do love my more sporty, hip car, but when I see a Honda Odyysey mini van go by on the road, It does bring a smile to my face and I go back in time just for a minute with the memories that were shared in that big silver mini van car.

From Familiar to Unfamiliar

Well, it has been a little over a week now that I have officially called myself an emptynester.  It still hasn't totally sunk in.  When I get home from work I know someone will be home, but they aren't, or when we are eating dinner someone will run downstairs to eat with us, but they don't.  Or I know in the morning, someone will be sleeping late which is why we haven't seen them yet, but it isn't.

I am still at the stage where I have to actually stop and think where everyone is and grasp my mind on it.  I know at some point it will be normal, but I am not there yet.  I guess the cat has noticed a difference in the house also.  He has been following me around everywhere, even upstairs.  That is not an easy task when you are a 15 year old cat that weighs 29 lbs (yes, that is not a typo).  So I'm not going to lie and say a few tears haven't been shed.  The problem is that between all the kids leaving and going through perimenopause, I don't know which tears are for what. 

I guess what really does help and makes this journey possible to move forward is knowing all the kids are really doing great in their new lifestyles.  Married life is really agreeing with my son and daughter-in-law.  My oldest daughter is flourishing in her new job and the the youngest is still taking some time to get used to college life, but she is really moving in the right direction.

As for me and my husband, we will make it.  The house is a little more quiet now.  I have been able to begin catching up on things I have wanted to do for the past 24 years and guess I can watch all the food shows I want since we don't have to have i carley on.

So for now, the familiar that I once knew has become the unfamiliar to me.  I know eventually this will become the norm and once again soon, what I now know of life will be familiar.  But for now, I wouldn't mind the TV on loud with Spongebob, dishes in the sink, other kids eating our food and multiple shoes and back packs on the floor so I can trip just once more. 

The Last Good Night Hug

This is the night before my youngest leaves for college.  I think I have been doing really well in handling everything.  I haven't cried as much as I thought I would, I have kept really busy, and my daughter has done a great job of being organized and getting everything ready so I haven't had to watch all her belongings being packed away in boxes and suitcases.  Her friends were spending the night and so it was really busy after work since I wanted to make grilled pizza with homemade crust and homemade peanut butter cookies.  I thought it was to make a really nice dinner.  As I have come to learn tonight being honest with myself, it was to keep myself very busy and act as if it was any other Tuesday night (okay, I usually don't make homemade pizza crust on Tuesday nights).  Face it, I have been in denial.  The reality was, in less than 12 hours she was leaving for college.  So what I thought was just a regular night after work making dinner and cleaning up was just a way to not think about tommorrow.  I think her friends spending the night was not only for my daughter, but for me.  It is a reminder of normal as I have known it for all these years, laughter, kids and food.  But then it happened, and I don't think either of us expected it.  It was really pretty innocent.  I just told my daughter I wanted to give her a hug before bed in case I don't see her since she and the girls were watching a movie.  So I gave her what I thought was a simple hug and then I lost it. Yes, and then she lost it...which made me lose it even more.  I felt guilty for a minute for making her cry. But I don't think I made her cry.   I think she might of been having the same feelings I have had and also trying to disguise them.  I think we were both trying to be strong for the other and our our real emotions finally came out.  I told her I was really happy for her and excited for the journey she was about to embark on.  But it was going to be different now.  I won't get that hug before bed again.  From now on our good nights will be through text,  an e-mail or if I figure it out...skype.  I know it will get easier and we will all get used to our "new" life, but now my heart is sad.  I will forever remember my last good night hug!

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray!  You'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away!  XOXO

The Dress Rehersal

I can't believe how much time has gone by since I last wrote.  I think I got everything out of my system by writing about it, felt better and then went into denial mode that anyone was really leaving.  But this weekend I got a glimpse into the world of becoming an empty nest mom. I guess you would call this our "practice" weekend on life with no kids at home.

So the two oldest kids are now gone (I will post later about those experiences).  This was the youngest last summer at home before leaving for college.  Time has really gone quickly, but I thought I had her home for another two weeks.  She decided to visit her brother and new sister-in-law (who now live about 2 1/2 hours away) for three days before she leaves for college.  I am so happy that they are all so close and get along so well, but three days... now...isn't this my time still to get her all to myself?! Anyway, my son and his wife were at an event in town by us so we planned on meeting at a McDonald's on the way back to their house to drop my daughter off so she could go home with them.  We went in to get some ice cream before everyone departed and I could not even eat anything (shocker since McDonald's 49 cent cones are a favorite treat that I splurge on).  I had such a pit in my stomach.  This would be the first of many times I would be saying good bye to her.    We got all the pillows, blankets and overnight gear into my sons car so they could take off for their ride ahead.  My husband and I both were sitting in our car watching them drive off, until we couldn't see their car anymore.  It was a quiet ride going home for us.  It hit me that this is what it was going to be like soon.  Dropping her off at college and always saying good bye.  I think it hit my husband too!  And as he said, my tears might be on the outside, but his are also there, only on the inside.  I wonder if they will be inside tears when this is not the dress rehersal of seeing our youngest child leave?

Women Make the Best of Friends!

In dealing with my upcoming empty nest situation, I thought I would send an e-mail to some of my girlfriends letting them know about my blog to see if anyone was going through what I was.  I can't believe the e-mails I received back with not only advise (travel was the number one suggestion to overcome the sadness of being an empty nester) but stories of what they were also going through.   What I found intersting was that no matter what part of the country they were from (I am lucky to keep in touch with friends in many places since we moved a lot in the past 20 years) their different backgrounds and whether they had one child or 4, most of us were going through the same thing.  Why don't women talk about this more?  We still are so busy taking care of everything else.  We can talk about kids, our jobs, what diet we are on and sometimes even divulge personal information about our husbands, sex and money.  But why haven't we kept in touch with each other more about what is really going on in our lives. Now more than ever, we women need to be there for each other whether it be our friend, neigbor, co-worker, sister or acquaintance and help each other through this very common (as I am finding out) and inevitable time of our life.

In one of my other blogs I was also reflecting on no only becoming an empty nester, but  thinking about the kind of mother I was.  Realizing I was a helicopter mom (okay I admitted it) did I make the right choices in the best interest of my kids, where could I of changed, was I too tough, or not tough enough.  I am always searching the intenet for other women's stories, inspirational quotes or advise they might have on motherhood.  Little did I know, the best advise I got was right in my own back yard...a good friend of mine for more years than I can count (we are way in the double digits) sent me a beatuiful and eloquently written piece of advise that I thought (with her permission) would be an inspiration to others

"As parents, our dreams for our children are that they grow into caring, competent adults.  And you have shown that even "helicopter mom's" can do this.

You have given your children what they have needed, which may not have always been what they have wanted.  The mother that they needed as a toddler was different from the mother that they needed as a teenager. Now the job description changes again as you are now the mother of adults.

The helicopter mom that you were has helped your children to grow into fearless adults. The hovering has helped guide them away from becoming foolish adults.

Your children are fearless enough to give their love to significant others, even when there is a chance that they could get hurt.  They are fearless enough to travel halfway across the country, even though that means leaving their support system (you) behind.  They are fearless enough to go off to school, when they could easily have enjoyed the comforts of home while pursuing their education.

Your job is not over. It is again changing.  Congratulations, your children are fearless."

Thank you Linda -